Beloved Toshie
- May 1
- 8 min read
Updated: May 2
This month of May marks ten years since the passing of one of the most important figures in classical dance training in Brazil, Toshie Kobayashi. For me, however, it feels like she never left us. I can still hear her singing in the classroom, I imagine her sharp nails digging into my skin every time I think about relaxing the muscles of my supporting leg. Her teachings remain tattooed on every fiber of my being, and with each deep breath I take on stage, I remember all the strength she demonstrated I had within me.
They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and that's how it was with us. Toshie and I met by a stroke of luck at a time when I was gaining maturity and realizing how much I loved ballet, how much I wanted to dedicate myself to dance as something more than a hobby. At a dance festival in the outskirts of Sao Paulo, a choreographer and longtime friend of my mother - Heloaldo Silva - recognized my talent and, after a few days of working with me, told mum:
" Marcia, you need to take this girl to Toshie. "
We soon discovered that Toshie didn't accept just anyone, and that getting to meet the renowned maître de ballet wouldn't be so easy.
We lived in Atibaia, a city located approximately 65km from the capital and known as the "Land of Strawberries and Flowers", and the way to her dance school was long. It would take us at least an hour and a half to two hours, depending on the traffic, a journey I became very accostumed to in the years to come.
But first, we would have to convince her that this meeting would be worth her precious time, and that we weren't just some family of deluded parents begging for private coaching, whose young daughter dreamed of being a ballerina.
Toshie replied firmly on the phone that she had retired and had no interest in wasting time with another promising talent, but in the end agreed to having a look, making no further commitments. We scheduled a rehearsal at the Toshie Kobayashi Ballet School for the following week.
Without knowing who she really was (and what I was getting myself into), I presented a new solo that had just been created by Heloaldo, which we intended to take to the main dance competitions in Brazil. Little did I know that this audition would determine my future, since after watching me, Toshie agreed to private lessons once a week, provided I responded well to her work.
I don't think I surprised her much with my technical or physical skills. She had a different perception of what it means to be an artist and appreciated those who demonstrated charisma, willpower, and qualities that went beyond physical gifts, such as musicality. She must have noticed a certain sensitivity and aptitude in the eleven-year-old girl who awkwardly climbed onto her tippy toes...
So then every Tuesday, Mrs. Toshie (as everyone called her) would appear in the dressing room with her cigarette in hand and say good afternoon to me, offering a welcoming smile I now see as witty and full of surprises. She would wait patiently for me in her main studio, and as soon as I excused myself from entering, she would start asking me questions.
" Will you be crying today, Isabella?? "
" No, Mrs Toshie," I'd reply, all embarassed, hoping this was true.
How many painful afternoons I spent by her side... she would ask me if this was really what I wanted and threaten to tell my mother that she would stop tutoring me if I kept crying. I'd try to compose myself quickly and continue to struggle amidst incessant sobs.
I don't know if I cried as much as I remember, or if I just had that constant feeling of being on the verge of bursting into tears, frustrated with myself because I wanted to meet her expectations. And she had no pity, none at all. She didn't give me any slack! I eventually got used to it, and the fear and frustration I felt gradually transformed into complete admiration and respect for her.
" I want to see you crying today so you can smile tomorrow, " she used to say. Today I know exaclty what she meant.
Mrs. Toshie quickly made me realize that talent wasn't everything. In order to be a ballerina, one needed a great deal of love for the artform and dedication , something that still comforts me to this day. At the same time, according to her, dance chooses very few and having that gift is only the beginning...
" I want to see you shaking with effort, Isabella! I want to see your muscles working hard and your supporting leg as strong as this barre right here ... " and she'd hit the barre with all her might, demonstrating how strong my muscles must be. I had the feeling that the more effort I put into it, the more of me she demanded, and the more I wanted to prove to her that I was willing to work even harder.
Her classes consisted of exercises for strength, flexibility, and balance. We always started with the same warm-up facing the barre - stretching, backbends , closh forward and backward in attitude , and tendus - most exercises were repeated twice on each side, with slight variations in tempo and difficulty (such as repeating everything on demi-pointe).
At the end of each exercise there was always a long balance, a kind of meditation that forced us to focus, breathe deeply and resist the temptation to grab the barre. They seemed endless, I would tremble all over and feel the sweat run down my back. Her method instilled physical and mental strength, shaping us as a whole.
Daily training and ballet classes were sacred to Mrs. Toshie . She would say that the public notices if you miss a day of class or if you don't dedicate yourself fully, and she taught me that the things that matter are indeed difficult. If we want to be someone or do things that matter, it will require a lot of effort.
" Discipline is everything, Isabella. The only way to keep improving is by taking one, two, three classes a day. Technique, always technique!"
I started attending her school every day of the week. I would have a private lesson and rehearse solos repeatedly, then immediately follow it up with another full class. I would arrive home late at night, completely exhausted, still having to study for school exams. It was intense but I loved studio time and thrived on the belief that I was doing all I could to become the best version of myself as a dancer.
Nowadays, many would question Toshie's strict, disciplined coaching style. Would it be ideal for a fourteen year-old dancer to put in so much physical effort and repetition and be more prone to injuries? What I can say is that it worked for me, and that I developed the strength and resilience necessary for the demands of a professional life in this process.
The teacher plays a very important role and carries a great deal of responsibility. It is up to the ballet master to know the limits of their students, to understand that we are all different and that we respond to different stimuli, respecting the physical and mental health of each individual.
I believe that a teacher-student partnership also requires a great deal of trust. Mrs. Toshie placed her trust in me (despite having her own special way of showing it), and I respected and admired her and would have done anything she asked of me. I had complete confidence that she knew what was best for me, even when something seemed impossible.
What I appreciate most in my relationship with Mrs. Toshie is that she knew exactly how to bring out the best in me, giving me the strength and determination I needed to conquer my place in the dance world. She helped me realize that with hard work and dedication I could go far beyond what I imagined; all I needed was confidence. And what I lacked in self-confidence, she had in abundance! This propelled me forward and showed me a path where I could overcome my fears.
"Go girl, go!" Easy, calm, easy Isabella."
" Yes ! That's it ... now breathe."
Mrs. Toshie wasn't one to give compliments, at least not while I was her student. One of the pillars of her teachings was humility and I believe she didn't want "success" to go to my head. However, in the last year we worked together, she started introducing me to her colleagues at dance festivals as "a future star," which made me ecstatic!
Back in the privacy of her school, however, I often wondered if I had done something wrong to upset her. What could be the reason for treating me so coldly? She would even ignore me in class, or simply not make any comments during rehearsals, and that really bothered me.
As soon as I returned from the Youth America Grand Prix in 2003, carrying the gold medal and invitations to study abroad , we knew it was the end of an era and the beginning of a new chapter. Only then do I remember seeing her smiling and very proud. On our farewell day, she gave me a plush bunny that I named Toro and a red notebook (to ward off the evil eye) because she knew I loved to write. What I most wanted then was for her to know how grateful I was for everything she did for me, and how much I would miss her.
I continued to see her every time I was on vacation in Brazil, and she always welcomed me with open arms, showing me great affection, and praised me to the point that I wanted to hide! She would fondly recall our days in her studio, and every time she told someone a story, she added a smidge of exaggeration to everything. She always told me to be brave, to cultivate self-love , to repeat affirmations like "I am beautiful!" ... "I am wonderful!" in front of the mirror. She said she did this herself.
At one point she got it into her head to tell everyone that I was dancing with the Royal Ballet in London when in fact I was still dancing with Northern Ballet, an English touring company based in Leeds, but I didn't dare correct her. Perhaps she already knew what I was capable of, had a sixth sense or a strong feeling of what the future would bring.
Not long afterwards, I did indeed join the Royal Ballet, and here I am to this day dancing as a First Soloist. When I joined the company's corps de ballet, I was able to tell her that I had finally realized this dream, thanks to her lessons and the determination that had been instilled in me since I was little.
I don't remember the last time we said goodbye, but perhaps it is for the best. I will always remember her strong, full of light and energy, smiling and content, and I am absolutely certain that this is how she would want us all to remember her. Her time on Earth seemed brief, but her legacy and example will endure for generations to come.
You are everything you believe yourself to be.
Although you have the potential to be much more,
You can only change when you believe in yourself
And accept yourself different.
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