The Audition

'A Audição' - para português, clique em PT no menu de opções

In the year after graduating, I ventured alone to London with a single goal: getting myself a job at last. I arrived in the city with a heavy suitcase, a precious backpack of pointe shoes on my back, and a pocket full of dreams. "Always travel with the essentials, a pair or two of ballet shoes and a leotard and tights in hand, in case your suitcase gets lost," Mavis had told me, and I've done so ever since.

As soon as I came out of Holborn station I was greeted by Tara, a Canadian dancer who graduated from the same school as me. We didn't know each other personally because she was a few years older, and when I entered Canada’s National Ballet School, she had just moved to London to join the corps de ballet of the prestigious Royal Ballet. But the dance world is small, and thanks to Mavis' contact, our school director, our paths finally crossed.

My grad year at 'NBS' had been quite difficult. I had focused too much on academic work and exams and hadn't bothered enough to research and attend ballet auditions, mainly because I strongly hoped to get into The National Ballet of Canada, the company affiliated with my school. Every November, ‘NBOC’ would hold an open audition; it was the event of the year for the pre-graduates. All my classmates, or the vast majority, were determined to get a contract, and it was quite a shock to discover that only three of us —one boy and two girls—had been offered a place, and I wasn't one of them.

'You have potential,' they told me, 'but you're too short and won't fit in well in our corps de ballet.'

I never imagined this would happen and was incredibly upset, even though I knew this had never been my dream company. I had spent the last three years in Toronto watching their performances on school trips and seeing their dancers as role models, which had influenced me to the point of forgetting my main purpose: to build a career in Europe. Between this and few other unsuccessful attempts, I finished Grade 12 discouraged, without any job prospects, in addition to recovering from a fracture on my foot.

There is so much pressure and fear when you are graduating, so much self-doubt and uncertainty regarding the future, and so much jealousy and competition amongst your peers... Unless you are one of the lucky ones who is offered a company contract right away or you find yourself in a vocational school, where directors come to watch class and rehearsals to offer spots in their companies, you must do a lot (if not all) of the work yourself. Success comes at a very high price, with a lot of effort and perseverance, and it's best not to leave things too late or 'in the hands of God' or luck; it is good to have a goal and a strategy.

'NBS Graduation class' - Toronto

When life gives you lemons, you might as well make lemonade and sweeten it with plenty of sugar! I made what seemed to me the most sensible choice: to remain at NBS for another year of training. The school had shown itself ready to welcome me and had just created a new program for post-graduates – the Post Secondary Program or 'PSP' (now called the Company Life Program) – where three of my best friends were enrolling. We were all in the same boat, recently graduated and unemployed, which made me feel more at ease. Besides, something else was keeping me in Toronto...

'Surrounding yourself with people who want you to succeed means seeking out companions who motivate you, inspire you, and celebrate your victories, valuing your dreams and encouraging your growth, instead of discouraging or judging you, creating a positive environment where you feel encouraged to evolve and achieve your goals, whether in the emotional or professional field.'

Iker was my age and from Mexico. He studied at St Andrews College, an all-boys school just outside Toronto. I met him on a night out with some friends (as a teenager, I never went out much at all but, driven by influences and a strong, accumulated "rebelious" impulse, Grade 12 was the year I let it out of my system), but our meeting wasn't entirely by chance. My best friend had sat next to his best friend, who also studied at St Andrews , on a flight from Mexico City to Toronto. They exchanged phone numbers and planned a get-together of 'studious Latinos' and ballerinas. At a nightclub downtown, Iker and I danced and talked all night. I never had so much fun, and a few weeks later, I was totally in love.

Sport was considered an essential part of life and culture in St Andrews, and despite being slightly taller than me and lacking in athletic proportions, Iker was the captain and best player on the football team, as well as training squash and winning an award for outstanding academic performance. He was also Virgo, a perfectionist and dedicated guy. We had many things in common, two foreigners with the same sense of responsibility and purpose living far away from home. On weekdays, we gave it our all and barely even spoke on the phone so that on weekends we could relax and enjoy each other's company. He was my first "real boyfriend" and I very often found myself torn between following the European dream and saying goodbye to him.

Although I didn't gain any professional experience nor a salary to pay the bills, 'PSP' offered me the opportunity to feel the intensity and rigor of life in a dance company while still within a supportive environment. I gained freedom, maturity, and a taste of what a dance career would be like - training and rehearsing six to eight hours a day - but most importantly, I realised that I couldn’t just aim at one target. Attending multiple auditions would create more opportunities and increase my chances of obtaining a job anywhere, as long as it brought me closer to the ultimate goal.

I compiled a list of companies in England and possible auditions to attend in January/Feb, a time when companies usually look for dancers. My preference was for The Royal Ballet, but I couldn't rule out the others. I sent letters and e-mails, my resume and photos, wrote to directors or their assistants, and anxiously awaited for replies. For most, I would have to be invited to a private audition, that is, join company class. The only one offering an open audition was Northern Ballet Theatre, a touring company based in Leeds. Even so, I risked seeking a private audition with them as this would allow me to get to know their profile and its facilities in the north of England.

I was very fortunate to rely on the assistance of my school’s management team and teachers who knew the English companies or had connections with their directors, who helped me with the almost impossible task of securing an opening for a private audition. I would come to realize that it's not easy to achieve anything alone; a support network and good contacts are extremely important in the dance world. If you know someone who knows someone who can welcome you on the day of your audition, help with practical things like showing where the dressing room is, water fountain and restroom, who could introduce you to the ballet master, is a huge plus! Relying on the kindness of "strangers" in those moments really goes a long way, it makes us feel welcome and soothes our nerves.

'Be well prepared! Success is not just luck, but the result of continuous preparation, strategic planning, focus on your goals, and the active building of knowledge and skills, transforming opportunities into reality through effort and dedication.'

As soon as we arrived at her apartment, Tara made me feel at home. I then hurried out to familiarize myself with the neighbourhood. Which way was Covent Garden? Where were the Piazza and the Royal Opera House? Despite a little lost, it was love at first sight. I adored the city and could see myself living there, breathing in so much art and history. In the late afternoon I sat in a Starbucks across from the theatre with a warm coffee in hand, waiting for Sorella.

How do I begin to describe Sorella Englund? There are people who come into our lives to show us our worth, who inspire us in such a way that everything seems possible. Besides being my drama and expression teacher at school, she is an incredible artist and at that time was staging a version of La Sylphide for The Royal Ballet. If it weren't for her, I believe I would have never set foot there. Seeing her walk towards me, with her shining blue eyes and arms wide open, I already felt safer and comforted. The week would be long and my first and biggest audition was fast approaching.

The following morning, as I tried to explain to the grumpy gentleman at stage door who was giving me a disapproving look of "Would you step out of the way so I can let these people in??" that I was a guest and had an audition, who do I see walk through the door? None other than the company's director, Ms. Monica Mason... Gosh! Her of all people?? I thought, but it was a good ice breaker. I introduced myself briefly and she was very kind, promptly letting me in with her.

I was so overwhelmed in my first class that I could barely stand; my legs were shaking and I couldn’t control my nerves. On one side, I spot Carlos Acosta... and on the other, Alina Cojocaru! I just wanted to hide in the back of the studio and contemplate the idols I had so admired in dance magazines. When Monica walked in, I realized that not only was my heart racing but the atmosphere in the room instantly changed. She watched the last few exercises in the centre and, after giving me some corrections, waved with a 'See you tomorrow, darling.'

Being inside the Opera House was such a dream come true that I wished I wasn’t auditioning, I didn’t want to know if I had a contract or not so as not to spoil the moment. In the afternoon, I watched a rehearsal of La Sylphide with Alina and saw another cast dancing Naples, and in the evening, sitting in the audience of that splendid theatre, I absorbed all its energy and was moved by every piece and every curtain call.

On my second day of class, Monica watched barre until the end of centre and discreetly called me to the corner by the piano.

'Hi, darling. You're back tomorrow, right? We need to have a little chat.'

Her office was spacious and filled with old portraits, posters, shelves with countless books and awards. She was attentive, even giving me tips on how to break my pointe shoes to better use my metatarsal, which is much more than the usual harsh ‘NO’ from directors, but unfortunately, she didn't offer me a job, saying all contracts had been given out to the students at their school.

It was quite disappointing but deep down I already knew, I hadn't felt comfortable there and didn't feel like I belonged. I had no regrets for trying but just thought I could have done better if only I’d become more familiar with that situation and done other private auditions beforehand. At least I’d done the best that I could under the circumstances, and above all, my heart was full from the experience. I felt very grateful despite the sad outcome.

Circumstances change over time and are merely our starting point. Controlling our nerves and expectations is a difficult task because we don't know how to behave and what to expect... until we find ourselves in that environment of pure adrenaline and fright, where everyone stares at us from head to toe as if ‘judging’ us. We don't even know where to position ourselves for fear of stepping on somebody’s toes! But the more prepared we are, physically and mentally, the better we handle ourselves.

"The fact that I do everything in my power doesn't mean it will work out. However, if I strive to make something happen, if I act decently, if I do it wholeheartedly, it may not work out, but I will know that I didn't fail to exercise my role in making it a reality."

I moved on from it and also from Tara’s apartment, staying at cheap hotels and the homes of other acquaintances, still determined in my search for a job. Next on my list was the private audition for Northern Ballet Theatre, but on the day I would have travelled to Leeds, a devastating storm hit the north of the island, killing thirteen people and affecting the entire rail system. What a tragedy! Plan B was to attend their open audition, happening in Fulham in a few days.

Well received by colleagues Lucas Lima and Erico Montes

The audition lasted 6 hours. After a full class which included barre, centre, and pointe work, only six out of the fifty-three female dancers remained. The fifteen final candidates were taken to the smallest studio at English National Ballet School to learn excerpts from the company's repertoire, and within just a few minutes, present them to the staff who weren't just looking for physically fit individuals; they wanted intelligent, detail-oriented, agile, musical dancers.

'If I had fifteen contracts, I would give them all out,' said the director, 'but unfortunately, I don't. I need some time, a few weeks at least, to decide.' David dismissed us with a heartfelt thank you and said he'd be in touch.

Even with all the pressure and nervousness of the audition, I felt great and left the place in a state of euphoria and excitement. I was able to be myself, and that made me feel so good! But worse than not receiving a contract would be returning to Toronto empty-handed, facing my friends and teachers. I could picture my embrassament and their look of disappointment. Somehow, I had to succeed!

In a frantic impulse I emailed David, letting him know I could make it to Leeds the following week, and bought myself a bus ticket to chase after what could be mine. I wanted to show my interest and readiness to surpass any obstacle. Not even the stormy weather of England could stop me! After an easy-going and fun class with the company in West Park, I wrote on my journal:

“Dear diary, today I had the best class ever! From now on, I want to be with 'NBT' and I think I really stand a chance here, I hope. Leeds is a nice city, I felt very welcome in the company, people noticed me and came to talk to me. I'm so, so happy!”

Upon returning to London, I also auditioned for English National Ballet but received a vague answer, not too promising. Throughout my adventures in English soil, which resulted, a few weeks later, in a job offer from Northern Ballet, a question constantly sprung into my mind.

Was I really destined to be a ballerina? Or was it all just a big mistake? How do we know if we are really good enough, if we have what it takes to build the career we so desire?

Having doubts is important because it opens up space for us to grow, and the truth is that we will never know the answers until one day, diving deep within ourselves, we find self-love and our true worth. Regardless of the opinions and approval of others, we realize how much we have to give and how unique we are. We may not have the perfect physique, perfect lines, perfect height ... but we have a soul, we have musicality, intelligence, sensitivity, charisma, so many other attributes that directors look for and appreciate. We have LOVE for what we do and we have WILLPOWER.

"Effort alone does not guarantee success, but the absence of effort is almost always a guarantee of failure." - Mario Sergio Cortella

We will never be able to control the outcome, as it all depends on external circumstances and synchronicity, but our inner strength will lead us to achieve what we desire. By identifying our limitations and reflecting on what we lack, we can create better conditions for future opportunities. The important thing is to do what is within our reach at present, even in unfavourable conditions. It's about chasing after it, seeking it out, persisting, until all the pieces come together.

You will know when you finally find yourself in the right place, at the right time.

Royal Opera House 2021

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