Finding Wonderland
- Isabella Gasparini
- 11 hours ago
- 6 min read
'Descobrindo o País das Maravilhas'
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In the middle of October last year, I took a short leave from work to spend a month in my homecountry of Brazil. Royal Ballet dancers are never able to prioritize outside projects because we are so busy staging one production into the next, but when I got invited to perform in Goiania, it seemed like a key opportunity and a crucial time for me to return to my roots. In the end, I was granted my wish, and within a few days back at home, I knew I had made the right choice.
Sitting in the stuffy dressing room of Teatro Basileu França, I was getting ready for my first guest performance with their Junior Company when I heard my phone vibrate. It was an email from my director in London wishing me good luck for the premiere that evening, which I thought very kind of him, and also carrying some important news… in the bottom lines there was a confidential note that I was to perform the title role in Christopher Wheeldon's masterpiece Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland!!!
If I'm being honest, my initial response was a mix of emotions... shock, disbelief, happiness, excitement, anger... Part of me was still hurt that I had to step away from the Royal Opera House, a place I really love and have devoted myself to for most of my eighteen-year career, to be able to get mysef "back on track". I wondered for a moment whether I had been chosen only because I had stood up for myself, and if so, could this be a bad thing?
I first saw my name down as a 'cover' for Alice in the cast sheet at the very start of the season and went to every rehearsal, making sure to learn everything I could and doing things full out in the back of the studio, hoping that someday I would get to perform it. Deep down I knew this would be a role I’d really love and have fun with. Before the production made it to the stage for its first run of shows I had left for Brazil, feeling disappointed that I had to choose between this or that but excited for a new adventure.
It wasn't unti I stepped back onto the Opera House in London in the early weeks of November that I realized what a difference my mum's training and outside influences had made to my self-esteem and motivation. I dove into the magical world of fairies in Ashton's Cinderella whilst quietly acknowledging a new and wonderful artistic freedom, our amazing theatre and audiences and how, over the last couple of years, I wasn't able to appreciate them as much as I would have liked.
People do say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it wasn't just that. Besides returning with a newfound enthusiasm (and secretly wondering who my Knave of Hearts would be), I started to care more about enjoying myself and less about things I couldn't control. Instead of being so hard on myself, thinking I should be better than or achieve more, I brought my focus to the freedom and happiness I wanted to feel when dancing and actively ran after what my heart most desired, letting it be filled with gratitude and love for what I do. This was the beginning of a process that would be key to me enjoying my performances.
Amidst rehearsals for Balanchine's Symphony in C and performances of Crystal Pite's Light of Passage and Macmillan's Romeo and Juliet, it was time to prepare myself for my next adventure: a Nureyev & Friends Gala that was taking place in Hong Kong mid-March. I was to dance Le Corsaire and La Sylphide pas de deuxs with guests from the Paris Opera, Hamburg, Maryinski, Dutch National and Finnish Ballet, and international guest artist Alina Cojocaru. It was a big deal for me to be dancing a challenging repertoire amongst such stars!
And to my surprise, these amazing artists shared the same insecurities as me and I learned so much from them. The performances were a beautiful tribute to Nureyev that revived in me the importance of artistry and authenticity above perfection. Classical ballet will only survive by us sharing love, compassion, and true emotion.
I felt so appreciated by the Hong Kong audience and hugely supported by the organizers of the event, especially Chun Wing Lam, a sujet at Paris Opera Ballet, and D&D Arts producer David Makhateli, who comissioned me.
Whenever we choose to do something we want to know that we will succeed at it, but sometimes you just don’t know and there is only one way to find out: you take the risk. You throw yourself and believe that all your work will pay off, simply do your best and trust that you prepared yourself for it the best way you could.
One may think that the preparation for a role begins as you learn the first steps of the ballet, but it starts long before that. For me, it started months and months ahead of my first 'official' rehearsal for Alice (perhaps I have been preparign my whole life), and the work long continues after a first run-through or performance is done.
Every morning you step into the studio to begin your day, you have the opportunity to work on yourself, your technique, worries and imperfections. It is in everyday class where the real work begins, but most importantly, it is in our everyday thoughts and attitudes, in training our mind to be present.
I knew that physical preparation would be essential - Alice is a technical role and one that leaves no time to rest between scenes, have a sip of water, not a single moment in the act to change your pointe shoes! - but often we underestimate the power of the mind and how ready one has to be psychologically to tackle such a big responsibility, to have the strength to carry on believing in yourself through a process where so many voices and opinions coordinate you as to what and how to do it.
I really wanted to understand the character - Alice - to find out what I could do to make her authentic, curious and funny, and tell her story with every inch of my body and soul.
I often gather strength and inspiration from everyday life, conversations with friends, travelling, and from reading good books. Right about a month into rehearsals, I was frustrated and feeling like my interpretation lacked something. I came across a list of great reads in Oprah’s book club and bought the autobiography of American actress Viola Davis, Finding Me. As I read her story, something shifted in me and all the frustrations sort of dissipated. I could relate so much to her struggle in raising above circumstances, her respect and love for her craft, and her achievements late in her career.
Her journey through life and acting illuminated a path for me to finding my own voice too and creating an authentic character, one that encompassed all that I am and what I have lived. Dance is about creativity, freedom, and life shapes who we are as artists. Why hide our insecurities when we can use them? Why fear the unknown when we have nothing to lose? I am so glad I found this book, or that it found me.
'You bring everything you are into a character. You bring memory, you bring triumphs, you bring pain, you bring insecurities. That is what makes a character human.' – V.D.
As soon as I gave myself permission to be an imperfect yet genuine Alice, I let myself use all my uncertainties as fuel, because after all, I wasn't pretending to be anyone. I was telling my truth. We all have felt a bit lost in life, uncertain of which way to go or what is and isn’t real, deceived by who we trust most, chasing after familiarity, discovering love!!
How can I truly believe in my value as an artist? Where do I find the courage to do things that I fear? How can I or should I keep outgrowing myself? What do I really want from life and where is this path taking me?
In trying to find all these answers for myself and a purpose, I discovered my place in Wonderland! I truly believed that everything was going to be ok, despite the dramas, doubts, fears, injuries and a last minute change of partner... and it was more than just ok. It was magical!!! I had two great partners looking after me, both who I felt I could deeply connect with.
The timing for my Alice was just right, and as actor/writer Viola describes it better than I ever could:
For the first time, I experienced what it feels like to know you deserve something. Not the feeling you’re the best, not at all. Rather, like your hard work over the years meant something and amalgamated into this ‘perfect’ moment.
To become an artist in the truest sense of the word, that is what matters most to me, and in that magical process of transformation and creation, you start to believe that you can be who you always wanted (and knew) to be.
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