Dance & motherhood: A new life begins
- Isabella Gasparini
- Jan 9
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 10
Dança e maternidade: O começo de uma nova vida - para Português clique em PT no menu the opções
It was August 2024, my birthday was coming up and I was turning thirty-six. Not so young for such an ambitious ballerina, one might have thought, but I finally felt like I was getting at the peak of my dancing. However, a daunting realisation also started to creep in when one fine day, conversing with mum, she intervened on my career goals to ask a subtle question:
‘Bel, have you ever thought about freezing your eggs?’
‘Huh?!’
Where was this coming from? At the time, it all sounded a little hasty to me. Why should I be thinking about it? I was so driven with my career that I had not given motherhood much thought, not because I didn’t want any children, but because I couldn’t see how the gruelling demands and expectations that come with being a professional dancer would allow me to be a parent.
I tried to be dismissive of her question but, as it always happens when mum raises a difficult subject, forcing me to look beyond what's right in front of me, it brews and brews in my mind.
But she wasn’t the only one to stir the pot. I had been in a serious relationship for a very long time, and my then boyfriend, who is never certain about anything (hence taking ten years to propose to me), decides to let me know that he really wants to be a dad someday. I contemplated that for a moment... What a wonderful dad he would make.
I never thought of my age, or any dancer’s age, as being an issue. I felt more energized than ever when I hit my thirties, and with each passing year, I feel that I'm becoming a better dancer, discovering new technical abilities, feeling more confident and mature. What I wanted most was to carry on dancing more and more, but biologically speaking, the clock really was ticking.
When asked if I wanted a baby, my answer has always been a hesitant ‘I think so.’ Some people are broody and maternal their entire life, and I guess I never felt the same urge. I used to love playing with dolls as a child, feeding them a bottle to sleep, carrying a pram around, but when I turned eleven, ballet took over everything.
I’ve been committed to dance ever since, which is not to say I haven’t enjoyed romance and adventure, but my one true love has always been ballet and I’ve sacrificed many things for it. Would I be willing to sacrifice having a family too?
Even with all my uncertainty about being a mum, I wanted to know whether I needed to hurry, make a decision at last. IVF could buy me some time to enjoy my career but this idea never appealed to me, and neither was it welcomed by my partner, so for our peace of mind, I went after finding out about my cycle and fertility.
And incredible as it may seem, an entire year flew by since discovering, through an AMH blood test (Anti-Mullerian Hormone), that my ovarian reserve was actually low, or lower than it should be for someone my age anyway. I didn’t have that long after all yet still couldn’t commit to getting pregnant because there was always something I looked forward to doing at work, whether it was dancing a new role, guesting abroad, or finally getting my chance at a principal role on the main stage!
For a whole season, rewarding as it was, I told myself that it was fine holding off on the baby thing, that I couldn't have missed such great opportunities, it just wasn’t the right time. I hoped that a second AMH test in August 2025, whilst on holiday in Brazil, would bring more promising results, but I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and, of course, faced another disappointment. This time, the crushing realisation that I didn’t necessarily have the time I thought I did, or the luxury to wait, hit me hard. We might have even been too late.
Summer came and went, another birthday too, and one week before our much expected wedding day, my partner and I decided it was time. We were trying for this baby, no matter what, and leaving it in the hands of destiny.
Who is to say I wasn’t already pregnant when I walked down the aisle?? I guess we’ll never know, but a few weeks later, with two home pregnancy test in my hand, I just looked at Kevin and he knew.
‘How is that possible??' he said, 'I’m going to sue that Brazilian doctor!’
He stood there, paralysed for some time, mumbling I had tricked him into it (he's got a great sense of humor), when all I could think was... What about our honeymoon?? This was totally unprecedented, but truth is, we both knew how lucky we were and felt completely overwhelmed with joy, excitement, and fear.
I guess it’s not all about quantity after all. My eggs were in perfect health and I had made sure to supplement them with a boost of vitamins and folic acid in the past five months to give us our best chance. One morning I woke up with very sore boobs, and I knew something felt different. The positive result didn’t come as a total surprise, even knowing our chances. I was happy and relieved!
Deep down, part of me must have known I wanted to raise a family, even if it was hard picturing ballet and baby routines together, but if it wasn’t for Kevin and my absolute certainty that he would be a really good father and life companion, that we would always have each other, I don’t know if I would have ever been brave enough to face it.
Ballerinas don’t really talk about how hard the decision to have a baby and return to dance can be when the career is so short. It was the most difficult decision I’ve had to make in my entire life, and I’ve had quite a few big ones. It is hard letting go of the way things have always been, harder still to shake the feeling that I was giving up on my career ambitions, my childhood dreams, since I've always prioritised them.
More than the physical challenge, it’s the identity shift and wrapping your head around a new life that is scary, not knowing if you will ever feel the same again. They say when you become a mum, you lose a part of yourself, and it certainly feels that way, letting go of my old self.
I grew up believing that if I couldn’t give ballet my all, work with immense dedication and sacrifice, then it was not worth doing it at all. Perhaps what scares me most of all now is how I will manage my work routine and parenting, but as mum always says, it's all about finding a balance. Besides, my love for ballet is infinite but this career won't last forever. And then what?
A professional career in ballet is demanding at the best of times, but my work with The Royal Ballet has pushed me further than any before, it has made me so sure of what I most wanted and hoped I could achieve, but with the job came a roller coaster of emotions. In this highly busy and competitive environment, we often lose perspective of what is important because we are so determined to succeed.
Motherhood has already offered me a broader view of life, wich will impact me both on and off the stage. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that nothing would ever be the same, that I would never put myself or my career first ever again. Seeing motherhood not as a completely separate entity from my performance life, but as something that will enrich it, is very encouraging.
So many dancers have danced through their pregnancies, exhibiting a huge bump and skilful balancing in class, but my reality has been quite different. Once I got past the endless weeks of morning sickness I tried going back into the studio, only to discover that my second trimester would come with more surprises, and I have been staying home resting since. Now in my twentieth week, my only wish is that we get through the remaining half of the pregnancy with no more scares.
It is hard not to compare our experience with others', not to ponder on how much I miss work and being in the studio, but pregnancy has already been a lesson in adaptability and letting go, in coming to terms with the fact that not everything will go as planned.
I couldn't be more grateful for the choices I've made and the opportunity of being a mum, and it left me wondering... If women’s eggs were infinite and we remained fertile for much longer, would more ballerinas eventually choose to have children?
If we didn't feel the pressure of getting back in shape and reclaiming our spot in a competitive field, if we weren't meant to feel like we were in a race against time, that we might be approaching the end of our careers at thirty-five, would it feel a little easier and less daunting?
I know I have a lot more dancing in me and will do my best, as I have always done. But, for now, my next project is something that will require a lot of care, responsibility, and learning new skills. Something so precious, new and exciting... welcoming our baby girl into my crazy dance world!
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